14 January, 2009

Did you know that the two most terrifying words in the English language are “what” and “if?”

People think that i don’t care, but the truth is: i do. People think that, because i am somewhat eccentric, i am free from the fear of popular opinion. The truth is: i am not beautiful or smart, and i am afraid fitting in too much. People think that, because i don’t mind losing i am a good sport. The truth is i am so afraid of trying and not winning that i decided not to try unless no one knows i am actually attempting anything. People tell me i can write, but the truth is: what if i can’t? People tell me i am too cynical, but the truth is: i am afraid to hope for uncertainties. In fact, i am afraid to hope for certainties – what if they are wrong? People think i am their friend, but the truth? You terrify me. What if i say something stupid? Or don’t say something kind? Or eat too much? Or see the wrong movies, or listen to the wrong music? What if? The truth is: i am afraid to care, because what if i’m wrong? What if it hurts me? What if i hurt you? I know what i deserve, and it is less than nothing. What if you know that, too? Do you know that i agonize over every email? Tremble after every conversation? Feel sick to my stomache every time i click publish, even though i know that no more than three people will actually ever read it? People think that i have a clue about my life, but the truth? I am a blind, crawling worm, afraid to move lest i make a mistake, and afraid to stay still lest the sky fall on my head.
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5 comments:

  1. Mary Witzl14 January, 2009 12:34

    MM, a lot of people feel like this at least part of the time -- I know I did. There are times I feel like this even now -- that whatever I do is bound to offend or irritate or just plain sound stupid -- but I've learned to say what the hell -- if my heart is fairly pure and I'm not doing whatever I'm doing for mainly selfish reasons, just do it and be done with it. When I was younger I really suffered; everything I did seemed to court disaster. I think getting older helps a lot, or at least it did in my case.

    My daughter's going through this now. She dreads failure and lives in fear of sounding stupid. She watches me brazenly pushing my way forward and cringes.

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  2. marshymallow14 January, 2009 13:40

    Thank you.

    I know i over-analyze things, but... it's so hard! Or, it seems so.

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  3. Anonymous14 January, 2009 15:12

    It is hard, but what if you practice?

    Honesty, though. Honesty is good. For some strange reason, naming fears eases them, even if only for a time.

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  4. Mary Witzl15 January, 2009 11:29

    It IS hard. I do agree about honesty: bottling everything up, or pretending that everything is fine when it isn't, accomplishes nothing. Living tends to provide plenty of opportunities for practice, but you do have to push yourself a little.

    I went out with a cousin once and when I hesitated about doing something brave (for me) -- talking to someone I found interesting -- she wanted to know why. I told her I was afraid I'd make a fool of myself and she said "So what? It's not like that would kill you." That did it for me, for some reason. I've made a fool of myself hundreds of times and lived to tell the tale.

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  5. marshymallow16 January, 2009 14:34

    ;o) Well, then, here's to making a fool of myself several hundred times...

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