Something From Nothing

The four earnest looking faces glanced distractedly towards my guest. “Hey guys. This is my cousin, Alex. I told him about our club, and he was interested so I invited him along for today.” Francis sent a glare at me through her glasses. She’s an engineer, and doesn’t believe in such a palpable disregard for the rules of etiquette. However, “Alright. Hurry up and be seated. You’re late.” Perhaps I should explain our club before I proceed. There are five of us – Francis, Paul, Jacob, Robert, and me. We all met one day over an otherwise regrettable incident involving a tall caramel macchiato and two straws at a small coffee shop strategically placed on a street corner within walking distance of all three colleges. During the ensuing discussion we discovered a mutual dislike of that infamous philosopher, Mr. Kierkegaard. This united us against the forces of justice and we decided to meet there every Thursday at 5:46 precisely to discuss all things philosophical. We synchronized our watches and went on our merry way. The Guachamocha (where we meet) has since christened us the “Do ye weirds,” an unfortunate pun which nevertheless produced an interview in the local newspaper. The resultant gawkers cause us some discomfort, but they do give us free coffee. So we don’t complain. “So, to get back to our discussion…” Paul never was one for introductions. I took the opportunity to inquire as to today’s topic – Something. “I don’t believe you ought to so completely disregard Galileo in this matter. Although not technically a philosopher, science and philosophy are so intertwined as to make them, in essence, the same thing. As Galileo says, ‘I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn Something from him.’” “Do you believe there is no theological basis for Something, then?” asked Jacob. He’s a great one to be a pastor. I suspect his attendance of the seminary down the street may have something to do with it, although he would never admit it. He continued, “I mean, if Something can be learned from every man, it must inhere in the very essence of man. And the essence of man is his soul.” “I think you gentlemen are in danger straying too far from Something,” I inserted quickly. This could get ugly. “We are here to discuss the philosophy of Something.” “Yes. What do you think, Alex? I think we should focus more on the metaphysical properties of Something.” “Umm… I mean, yeah. Whatever,” stated Alex definitively, and with great presticogitation. Francis and Robert glared at me and made no effort to disguise their disgust. “No! Not ‘Whatever.’ We already settled Whatever two weeks ago. We’re trying to discuss Something here.” “Edwina can get you the notes on Whatever, if you like,” added Francis in a more kindly tone. In spite of her rigidity she is rather softhearted. Besides, she was determined to show me that no matter the barbarity of my behavior, she would endeavor to remain civilized. I took the cue and told Alex I could e-mail them to him – I’m the group’s recorder. “Oh. Umm… Thanks.” “But even Aristotle states that Something is in Everything – ‘In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.’” This is Robert’s province. I think he was brought up on Zeus and Hera – no Winnie the Pooh for him. Seriously, if you asked him who he wanted to meet most in the world, he would say Aphrodite. I swear. “So, can we take it for granted that God created Something in the beginning? Or did it come after the Fall?” “You’re getting lazy, Jacob. We can’t use ‘It is, and God made it so’ as the answer for everything. The point of this club is to restrict ourselves to Natural Reason in the discussion of Something. We can, in the vein of the Scottish Realists, accept some common sense aspects about Something, but stick to Reason and leave Revelation at seminary.” “Even so, we really can’t completely disregard the theology of something. Even Edison recognized that you can’t put Something in a box.” “Ah, yes – the famous ‘Hell, there are no rules here-- we're trying to accomplish Something.’ quote.” Perhaps you may not have heard of that quote. It is the rallying cry of the most famous eccentric in the three colleges, Professor Mordeson. He is Paul’s hero, and is referenced at least once in every conversation. “We mustn’t forget Nietzsche’s philosophy, either: ‘A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions--as attempts to find out Something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.’” “Aren’t you completely ignoring what Hagel has to say? Everybody knows that to get Something you must first combine Everything and Anything – evidence of the dialectical process which is part of any real truth.” “We must find out where the seat of identity of Something lies. Is it part of the essence of humanity, or is Something added on? An extra, so to speak.” “Wise men talk because they have Something to say; fools, because they have to say Something. – Plato” Ah, good. Alex is getting the hang of it. Robert looks pleased. “That just shows Plato’s support for the theory that Something is a necessary part of human beings. It must be built in if even fools have it, not a result of society or civilization.” “What about Gandhi? A great moralizer if there over was one. He seems to imply that Something is a choice.” “Elaborate.” “ ‘Indolence is a delightful but distressing state; we must be doing something to be happy.’ In fact, Something is an action, not something inherent in ourselves.” “And FDR, too. ‘It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try Something.’ ” “You know, if we’re going to discuss Something seriously, Nothing is really important.” “Nothing is irrelevant. ‘Above all, try Something.’ No Nothing, there, is there?” “As it relates to Something, we need to take Nothing into consideration.” “Hey. umm...guys? This is a coffee shop, after all. Mind if I get something to drink?” Dead silence. Knew I should’ve left him with Grandma. “That was the worst pun ever inflicted on my ear. If this is what our society has come to, I’m leaving.” She stalked off. We all turned to Alex. He appears completely befuddled, poor thing. “Well, whatever,” he mumbles to her retreating back. “I just wanted a cup of coffee.” I’m sure Alex has plans for something else next Thursday at 5:46.